A doctor died and went to hell.  He was met at the gate and asked to stand in a room and wait for Satan.  After 4 hours Satan finally appeared.

The doctor was incensed.  Poking his watch he said, "How could you keep me waiting so long!  I am an important man!  I'm a doctor."

Satan replied, "Doctors are a dime a dozen here in hell.  But I'll tell  you what.  Since you had to wait so long, I will give you a choice of which part of hell you will spend eternity in." 

Satan took the doctor down a hall and said, "Here.  I'll be back shortly.  You can choose between door # 1 and door # 2.  I'll be back and you can let me know where you want to be assigned."

The doctor opened door #1.  Inside was an Intensive Care Unit.  Blood was spurting, alarms were sounding and patients were coding.  A man in the corner extubated himself as a woman in the center fell out of bed.  The doctor quickly shut the door and said, "My God, I really am in hell. I'd better check door #2."

Behind door #2 was a medical records department.  Unfinished charts stretched for miles with notations about delinquent H&P's.  Message slips from managed care case managers filled a swimming pool sized bin, all marked urgent. Inside, physicians were dictating as sweat poured off their brows.

The doctor shut the door and said, "I don't know which one is worse." Then he noticed another door off to the side.  He opened it and inside was a tidy nurse's station.  The nurses were all young and beautiful. They were busily making rounds with doctors and calling to obtain lab and xray results. They poured coffee and served donuts purchased with their own money.   One doctor complained of a stiff neck and a nurse rubbed it for him. "Now this is more like it"  the doctor thought as he closed the door.

Satan came strolling back down the hall and said, "Well, which have  you decided on, Door # 1 or Door # 2?"  The doctor replied, "Actually I would like to go behind door # 3."

"That's not an option," said Satan. 

"But that's what I want!" said the doctor.

Satan replied, "I'm sorry but you can't go in there. That's nurse's  hell."

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HMO FAQs   

Q. What does HMO stand for?

• This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.  Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with such hi-tech substitutes as referral slips and voice mail, but the result remains the same.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

•  No.  Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO.  How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

• Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time he information was gathered.  These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan.  But don't worry --the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away! 

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?

• This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions.  Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

• Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

• You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem.  Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

• Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?

• No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

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A Doctor, a Nurse and the top executive of an HMO have all died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates. 

St. Peter speaks with them and asks what good each has done in their life. 

Doctor: "I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for, and healing thousands of poor people." 

St. Peter: "That's great. Go ahead in to Heaven.  And what about you, dear?" 

Nurse: "I've supported the good Doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult." 

St. Peter: "Wonderful. Please proceed in with the Doctor. And what about you?" 

Health Maintenance Organizaton Director: "I was the president of a very large HMO and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the country." 

St. Peter: "Oh, I see. Please go in...but you can only stay two nights!" 

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• A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"  The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and begins to take off her underwear. Suddenly he notices that there are several cabs, and he's in the wrong one.

• A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's posterior chest wall. "Big breaths," instructed the nurse. "Yes, they used to be." remorsed the patient.

• A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me. This is only a one-seater!"

• While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" 

  After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why not for about twenty years--when my husband was alive."

• A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"

  "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.  I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.  The nurse asked to see the  jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!  Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no spine and the head and butt are interchangeable."

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