An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash.  They had been in good health the last 10 years primarily due to her interest in health food and exercise.  When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite, and Jacuzzi.  As they "oohed and aahed", the old man asked Peter how much all of this was going to cost.

"It's free,"  Peter replied, "this is Heaven". 

Next they went out to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to.  They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" 

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free." 

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine of the world laid out.  "How much to eat?"  asked the old man. 

"Don't you understand yet?  This is heaven, it is free!"  Peter replied with exasperation. 

"Well, where are the low-fat and low cholesterol tables?"  the old man asked timidly. 

Peter lectured, "That's the best part.....you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." 

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.    Peter and the man's wife both tried to calm him, asking him what was wrong. 

The old man looked at his wife and said,  "This is all your fault.  If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!" 

---

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner.  During the meal, the young priest couldn't help but notice how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.  Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. 

Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." 

About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.  You don't suppose he took it, do you?" 

The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." 

So he sat down and wrote:  "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle.  But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here." 

Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read:  "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper.  But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now." 

The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in.  With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.  The Irishman looked down to the end of the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?"

The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slow.  He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti.  He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar.  The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a Hispanic, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, give me tequila!  Is that el Christo down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the Hispanic told him to give Jesus a tequila, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"  The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the Hispanic, but the Hispanic jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"

The aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Rice. 

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

 Hello, welcome to the psychiatric hotline.

• If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
• If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
• If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, & 6.
• If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Please just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
• If you are schizophrenic, please listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
• If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.  No one will answer
• If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
• If you have a nervious disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
• If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
• If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
• If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
• If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
• If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
• If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
• If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
• If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.



---

Back to Index